With Mother’s Day approaching, I find myself reflecting upon my experiences growing up without a mother, and then becoming one. Since childhood, this holiday has weighed heavily on my heart because of this significant gap in my life. Despite the amazing love and support of my father and his family members who cared for me as a child, I always felt a sense of loss and deep confusion.
I saw the happy images of traditional television families with a mom, dad and children, and wondered why I didn’t have a mom like the kids on television. My young mind just didn’t understand how the one person who is suppose to love you most could just opt out of motherhood and leave me behind.
My first emotional outburst that I can connect directly to these feelings occurred when I was in elementary school, during art class. Art was one of my favorite classes as a child. I eagerly anticipated the teacher’s announcement of the assignment for the day and relished the opportunity to express myself in creative ways with paper, colorful markers and crayons, and other fun tools. In fact, I loved art so much that I often created art at home, transforming the kitchen wall into my very own gallery, complete with tape and price tags. Long before I understood the meaning of “marketing,” I was selling my one of a kind works of art to my family members.
While I loved new art challenges, there was one art project that left me frozen in my tracks, not knowing how to proceed. It was a Mother’s Day plate. The teacher announced the assignment and was in the midst of passing out the materials to the class. There I was…sitting at my desk, frozen with shock, unable to proceed…fearing failure, I burst into tears.
My teacher quickly reacted and invited me to come speak with her at the front of the room. She put her arm around me in consolation and asked me what was wrong. Trying to catch my breath through the panic and tears, I whimpered, ” I don’t have a moooooooommmm….” She pulled me closer and told me it was ok and that I could still do the assignment. Her words of hope calmed me down immediately. I had no idea how she was going to solve this problem, but I was curious what she was about to suggest.
She then asked me if I had a special woman in my life who cared about me. I perked up and told her that my Aunt Fran was a very special lady and that she did mother-like things to help my dad raise me. My teacher smiled and enthusiastically said that I could make the plate for Aunt Fran. I realized that I was not going to fail because I could complete the assignment. Then I thought about how surprised Aunt Fran would be to receive my gift and happily returned to my desk to put my creativity to work. I drew a rainbow with a line for every color of marker available and added big puffy clouds outlined in blue at each end, then I wrote the words, “Happy Mother’s Day Aunt Fran!” My literal perception of Mother’s Day had changed forever.
Fast forward to March 8th, in the year 2000. This is the day I gave birth to my amazing son, Brayden. During my pregnancy, I experienced frequent bouts of self doubt. How could I possibly be a good mother when I didn’t have one as an example? Was I up for the biggest challenge and responsibility a human being could experience?
After 27 hours of labor, a few pushes and seeing my son’s beautiful little face for the first time, all my doubts and concerns quickly disappeared. The mixed emotions and worry were replaced with the deepest combination of joy, pride and love I had felt in my entire lifetime. I was a mother and this was not only my greatest responsibility…it was my best accomplishment.
Holding my son for the first time also filled me with a sense of purpose and wholeness that caught me by surprise. Not only was I this beautiful, innocent baby boy’s mother…I had seen my own reflection in another person for the first time in my life! My mind was blown and my heart was full. I will never forget the doctor’s words immediately after successfully delivering my son. “He looks like mom!” A huge piece of my heart that had been missing, was now filled by the tiny little life I brought into this world.
I was able to enjoy every Mother’s Day from that year forward, because it was no longer about my greatest loss. It was about my greatest gift – my beautiful son.
The experience of becoming a mother, after growing up without one taught me that feelings of loss are a natural part of the adoption journey, but they do not have to hold us back. Families are made in many ways. Bonding with members of your adoptive family and building your own family can be deeply fulfilling.
How do you overcome feelings of loss? How do you define family? Please share, below.
THANK YOU FOR CREATING THIS PAGE, I NEED TO UNDERSTAND WHAT MY DAUGHTER WENT THROUGH AS AN ADOPTEE. GOD BLESS YOU
Thank YOU for the encouraging comment. I am so touched and honored that my words and experiences can be helpful to you. Please let me know if there are specific questions or topics you would like to learn more about from an adoptee’s perspective. Thank you for sharing the journey!
Nicole, I’m so happy to see you finding your voice and platform! Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings and journey. Happy to promote your work. You have so much to offer!
Betsie, your support means everything to me. I would never have begun this part of my journey had I not been enlightened about the lifelong adoption journey from you and your team at Adoption Network Cleveland. Thank you for the encouragement and for dedicating your life to making a difference for those touched by adoption!
What a heartfelt post. I firmly believe in the idea behind “it takes a village to raise a child.” It sounds like you had a great village growing up. You obviously learned a lot about love from those who loved you, despite not having a mom. As a teacher, I have found Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and other holidays challenging to navigate at times. Your art teacher was a gem.
Kim, thank you for your kind words and for making a difference for children as a teacher!
I can relate so much to your comment of seeing your reflection in your sons face. I felt the exact same way when I had my son in 1991. I was adopted at 4 days old and I know very little about my birth mother, and nothing about my birth father. I didn’t have a good childhood and supportive people around me. I’ve often wondered why I was allowed to be adopted into a home of people that could barely provide for me. I also worried about how I could possibly be a good parent when I had not had a good example. But I guess my instincts took over, and he is the best thing to have ever happened to me. It felt so odd to hold another person that was truly a part of me, because even though I had “family” I never felt like I belonged in their world. Mother’s Day is a stressful holiday for me. It’s hard finding a card that is appropriate for my situation. I feel obligated to buy a card, but I can’t give one that says what a wonderful mother my adoptive mother was. She did the bare minimum to get me to adulthood. Finding a generic card for Mother’s Day is not easy. But I know when I receive a sweet card from my son, that he means every word. There are very few people that really understand. Thank you for sharing your story.
Vicki, I appreciate your meaningful comments and willingness to share YOUR story with me. How beautiful that you experienced the healing joy of seeing your own reflection in your son’s face, too! I am so glad you were able to move forward, despite your upbringing, to bring your son into this world and to provide him with more love and support than you were given. That bond is a true blessing! I hope you can also find additional positive connections through others in your life and by being part of the online community I am working to build for people like us.
Yes, thank you. There is no one in my life that truly understands this so I am glad for your blog and look forward to your posts.
You are so welcome! I am glad you find value in my message and I feel it is so important for us to be there for each other. I am here for you!
Thank you, I am glad you created this blog and look forward to reading your posts.
LOOKING FORWARD TO READING YOUR BLOG, I AM A BIRTH MOTHER WHO FOUND HER DAUGHTER 34 YEARS OF LOOKING. I WAS A MINOR (17 YRS. OLD). MY PARENTS ARRANGED THE ADOPTION..I LOST A PART OF MY HEART THE DAY CHILDREN’S SERVICE TOOK HER FROM THE HOSPITAL, AWAY FROM ME…SIGHT UNSEEN, ALL I KNOW WAS THAT SHE WAS FEMALE….GOD BLESS MY GOD-DAUGHTER WHO DECIDED SHE WAS NOT GOING TO STOP SEARCHING UNTIL SHE FOUND MY BABY & SHE DID..20 YEARS AGO..
AGAIN, THANK YOU RAQUEL..THANK YOU GOD FOR GUIDING RAQUELS JOURNEY, MY DIANA JO IS A MOM & NANA..A REMARKABLE WOMAN, BEAUTIFUL,FORGIVING & SHE LOVES ME, NOW SHE FEELS WHOLE FINALLY.
I am in tears. Thank you for sharing your beautiful story and your heart, Angela. I am so happy that you found your daughter and you are both whole again.
Family should be people who love and support you!
Very well said, Janeen. I couldn’t agree more!