Come Back, I Need You! Understanding Adoptee Separation Anxiety and 5 Ways Loved Ones Can Help

In my most recent post, I provided 10 reflection questions to help adoptees understand our common ground. Fellow adoptees related to the situations in the reflection questions because of the shared drivers behind the outlined experiences. Each adoptee has a unique story and perspective, yet we are bonded by the experience of being separated from our natural parents. The impact of this initial loss influences our emotions, decisions and behaviors throughout our lives and is often misunderstood by our loved ones.

In this follow up post, I am digging deeper into the reflection question that resonated most. Here it is, in case you missed it: “Have you ever panicked about a loved one while they were away from you longer than normal…or felt highly anxious because you could not reach them?” With this question as our foundation, my intent for this post is twofold. I want to establish a shared understanding about separation anxiety in adoptees, based on real examples from my life. I also want to give people in close relationships with adoptees insight and tips they can practice to help ease the very real fears behind this phenomenon.

As a child, I absolutely loved to go to the mall! Yes, it is true that some things never change. Weekly Saturday shopping became one of my favorite traditions and bonding activities with my Dad’s sister, and closest person I had to a mother, my Aunt Fran. She called it “window shopping” because we didn’t usually buy anything. That was OK with me because it was such a fun experience. Seeing all the beautiful brand new clothing, adorable shoes and shiny jewelry filled my little body with such joy and my mind with fantasies of playing dress up. I often imagined I was the brunette version of my childhood role model, Little Orphan Annie. While my adoptive father was no Daddy Warbucks, he was my Daddy, and he spoiled me with love.

If you are wondering what my childhood mall adventures have to do with separation anxiety, the answer is “everything.” At an early age, I learned that every joyful experience is laden with risk, even an activity as simple as shopping. I occasionally got carried away with the window shopping experience. I entertained myself by briskly walking all around and in between each giant rack of clothing, with one arm stretched out so my hand could touch all the clothing as I passed by. Once my little adventure came to an end and I had covered all the ground I wanted to, I stopped in my tracks and realized I had strayed away from Aunt Fran. Naturally, my first reaction was to look around to find her so I could run back to her side where I was safe…but sometimes I couldn’t find her! Sometimes all I saw was a sea of racks and strangers. That’s when the panic set in. I realized I was alone. My mind raced with worst-case scenarios. What if I couldn’t find her? What if she left without me? What if I lost this family, too? Tears of panic streamed down my little face. The thought of being abandoned again was so unbearable that I could hardly breathe or speak.

The original loss of our natural parents stays with us for a lifetime. In my case, knowing my mother had left me with a babysitter and never returned left me wondering if it would happen again. Of course, this led to a deep fear of being left behind or permanently separated from my family members. As a child, I had no idea my scary shopping experiences were related to being abandoned as an infant. I just thought I was “sensitive.” I didn’t even make the connection when similar experiences happened throughout my life with relationships beyond my adoptive family.

Let’s take dating and significant others for example. Truly connecting with a potential significant other has always been a struggle. The few times I experienced such a connection, it was accompanied by an overwhelming urge to do whatever it took to avoid losing it. My earliest memory of this manifested as extreme clinginess with my third grade “boyfriend.” I literally chased him around at recess with an ultimatum because I heard a rumor that he liked my friend, Monica. “Me or Monica?” “Me or Monica?” I repeated in my most serious voice, as I chased the boy around the school parking lot until I finally cornered him behind the guardrail. This was so uncharacteristic of the shy, reserved, well-mannered child I was. Why was I chasing this poor little boy around, trying to force him to choose me? Clearly my little young brain was acting on fear, driving me to seek the reassurance I needed to spare my already broken heart from another loss.

Learning about the lifelong challenges of adoption and working through my own process of self discovery has helped me manage my emotions much better than I did in the third grade. When anxiety strikes, I now pause to understand my feelings and identify the drivers. Informed by that reflection, I determine how to act on my feelings instead of reacting from a place of desperation. After multiple failed relationships, including a marriage, I have finally found a partner who adds tremendous value to my life and accepts my sometimes confusing emotions. Rather than judging or ignoring my adoption-related feelings and experiences, he asks questions and truly listens to understand the feelings behind my reactions. Early in our relationship, he felt the intensity of my anxiety and worry and engaged me in productive conversations about my feelings. Today, he nurtures the adoptee in me in ways that I didn’t know I needed and never expected to experience. My amazing fiancé has a beautiful heart and serves as an example for how loved ones can support adoptees in healthy ways that facilitate trust and inspire commitment. I often refer to him as “my happy place” and over time he has also become “my safe place.”

My final example of adoptee separation anxiety is the most recent and hit me the hardest. If you read my previous blog about how I became a mother after growing up without one, you have an idea of the special nature of my relationship with my son. During this time last year, my son graduated from high school and left home to begin his career with the U.S. Navy. The thought of him leaving home and living in another state made me extremely anxious. Two weeks before the date of his departure, I began to feel extremely sad and depressed. Just minutes after his graduation and send off party, I had a sudden panic attack, while putting the food and decorations from the party in my car. Watching him walk away to board the bus for boot camp was devastating. Having our communication limited to snail mail letters and just 3 phone calls over 8 weeks completely broke my heart. During this time I checked my mail box obsessively and felt lost.

I am extremely proud of my son’s choice to serve, but I was not prepared for the deep feelings of loss associated with this exciting milestone. In my mind, a part of myself that helped me feel whole for the past 18 years was gone. I realized that seeing my reflection in my son’s face on a regular basis was a significant contributor to my overall happiness. While my rational mind knew this was a natural development that was part of my son’s life journey, my emotions had me feeling as if he may never return. I didn’t feel like myself again until several weeks after his graduation once we had resumed regular communication via texts, phone calls and my favorite method of communicating with him, Facetime.

In summary, adoptees may face separation anxiety and amplified feelings of loss throughout their entire lifetime. While the first experience often occurs as a result of temporary separation from adoptive parents, similar dynamics can resurface in adult relationships with significant others, children and those we care for. Adoptees need our loved ones to understand this, practice patience and provide reassurance to calm our fears.

The list below is inspired by my personal experiences and the positive ways my loved ones have helped calm my separation anxiety. I hope these ideas will better equip those who love an adoptee to strengthen their relationships, while helping fellow adoptees ask loved ones for the support they need to feel secure in their relationships.

1. Listen & Acknowledge: When we express our feelings or fears, please listen because there is something deeper going on that we may not even fully understand. If the adoptee you love has the courage to share a troubling feeling with you, engage in the conversation and acknowledge the feeling. It may not make sense to you, but it is very real. Whatever you do, resist the temptation to label your loved ones feelings as an overreaction, as this is insensitive and may result in negative feelings.
2. Communicate Schedule Changes: We all run late from time to time, but when an adoptee is waiting for a loved one to return and the expected time of return has passed, feelings of anxiety can set in. You can help by communicating the change in advance. Even when you are busy, a quick text to say you are running behind makes a world of difference.
3. Learn Your Loved One’s Triggers: Over time you may notice patterns or specific situations that trigger anxiety in your loved one. For example, if you travel for work and your significant other tends to panic when you are away, think about ways you can reduce this stress. Reach out with simple texts to say you are thinking about them and set a time for a quick goodnight phone call each evening. Proactive outreach during triggering experiences shows you care and gives your loved one a positive experience to look forward to.
4. Develop and Maintain Rituals: Rituals are extremely reassuring and can serve to deepen your relationship when executed with consistency. Anticipating and experiencing a special moment consistently over time will make your loved one feel safe. When you leave home, do not just disappear. Tell you loved one you are leaving and make an affectionate gesture such as a hug, kiss on the cheek or fist bump to reinforce the relationship every time you leave.
5. Be Responsive: This one is very simple! When your loved one calls, texts or is trying to reach you with a need or question, try to respond promptly. Your silence can lead to unnecessary worry and potential disaster scenarios that amplify anxiety.

Have you had similar experiences while separated from a family member or significant other? What helps you feel calm? Are there additional tips you suggest adding to the list above? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.

Thanks for sharing the journey!

Nicole

More adoptee resources:

https://www.adoptionnetwork.org/

https://adoptee.org