Have you ever felt like you didn’t really know yourself? As ridiculous as this question sounds, it is extremely relevant because identity issues are a common challenge among adoptees.
I was raised by an amazing single father, who provided me with unconditional love and a private school education, yet I struggled to find myself for most of my life. As a child, I used familial relationships (daughter, niece, granddaughter, cousin) to define my identity. Eventually I added adjectives, such as “good” and “sweet” to include a value judgement about my role in the relationship, for example “good daughter.” In elementary and high school, I defined my identity in relation to activities that I was attempting to master. This led to me to action-packed new identities such as a “good daughter” who also ran track, tried ballet, loved karate and excelled in cheerleading. Success in one of my activities led to an exciting identity promotion such as “good daughter who loves karate and earned a blue belt.” Each addition to my identity made me feel more complete. Back then, I had no idea how problematic this thinking was.
I was filling a void in my identity (not knowing my birthparents, ethnicity or really anything about who I was) with labels that made me feel like I had a purpose. While this helped me feel better about myself as a child, it also resulted in a deep sadness whenever one of my identities ended. For example, I once fancied myself a ballerina and dropped out after a month because I hated it and felt like such a failure. Or the time I didn’t make the cheerleading squad in junior year of high school, after having been a cheerleader for the previous five years. That was devastating because “cheerleader” was firmly planted in my mind as a part of who I was. Later in life, I learned that loss is another common challenge for adoptees. I will address the impact of loss for adoptees in a future post, as loss is a lifelong challenge that continues to challenge the adoptee in me.
Even today, after two decades of life experiences as a student, mother, employee, friend, and most recently, fiancé…I tend to define myself by what I do and my relationships with others vs. who I am as an individual. But not always. When my head is clear and I am feeling a strong sense of self, I define myself with positive adjectives that have nothing to do with my relationships or life activities and I encourage you to do the same! This is a huge step forward in the journey of self discovery. When I dig deep to define who I really am, I embrace the good in me. For example, I am optimistic (my Dad’s positive example taught me to see challenges as opportunities), tenacious (if I decide to spend time to do something, I am going to give my best) and creative (I love conceptualizing and dreaming of what could be, then figuring out how to make it happen).
Who are you? Please share your feelings about how YOU identify yourself in this world, below.