Recent events have me reflecting on my experience, observations and feelings about the discrimination of minorities in our country. I have reached the conclusion: Justice reform begins with our words.
As an adoptee who is clearly not biologically related to my adoptive family, I grew up repeatedly being asked the same question by nearly every new person I encountered. “What are you?” As a young child, I didn’t understand the meaning of these three words, nor what kind of information the numerous people who asked me this question expected in my response.
Labels Work Against Justice Reform
My earliest recollection of responding to this question was to return it with a clarifying question of my own. “What do you mean?” I was an example of the undeniable truth that children do not label and divide people into groups with judgmental associations. Labeling others is a learned behavior that I am calling all parents to put an end to.
Eventually, I learned the intent of the question and grew to hate it. The revelation became clear through the various answers to my clarifying question. “Where are you from?” “What is your nationality?” “What is your race?” “What is your background?” Despite my young age, it was clear these people had a need to label me because I looked different than them and my own family. Do you realize how confusing and damaging these words are to a child who 1) Knows she doesn’t resemble her own family 2) Knows she cannot answer the question and 3) Believes her family cannot answer the question? I have written about being a blank slate in previous posts (see Lost and Found: How Being Loved Helped Shape This Adoptee’s Identity) and this line of questioning taught me the ugly lesson that labels, skin color and appearance mattered, while also reinforcing the fragility of my own identity.
Our Words Can Heal and Unite
After years of being supported in ways that made me believe I was equally valuable as those strangers asking me what I was, as if I were a thing, not a human being, I learned that labels do not matter. Further, I believe it is unjust and completely irrational to discriminate against anyone for factors outside of their control. When you can’t fit yourself into a specific box with a neat label to convey your “background” you do not use labels because they have no utility. In this way, my identity gaps were a blessing in disguise.
Let’s take this a step further and answer one of the ultimate self reflection questions. What would I tell my young self, if I knew what I know today? I would tell young Nicole to respond differently to those awkward questions. Instead of feeling confused and sad and finally mustering a soft spoken, “I don’t know,” I would tell her to ask a different clarifying question to change the conversation and take her power back: “Why does it matter to you?”
Changing the Dialogue to Promote Justice and Inclusion
This reflection from my childhood is a small example of the damage seemingly innocent words can have and the change that is needed. As a communications executive, I often declare the need to change the dialogue and to shift the mindset of a target audience to achieve business objectives. That is exactly what needs to happen in America to achieve justice objectives. We must resist the urge to label people with unnecessary words. We must think about the words we use in daily discourse. Do they have the power to unite us or divide us? We must embrace inclusivity in our ways of thinking, communicating and acting. The words we use matter and in many cases, as demonstrated by my childhood story, have a long lasting impact.
I was blessed to experience inclusivity within my adoptive family and by most of my classmates. There were those who judged and made comments about my appearance. For instance, the child who sarcastically exclaimed the unforgettable phrase, “I never saw a white girl with an afro.” Nine words uttered in less than 5 seconds triggered a lasting feeling of shame about the thicker, curlier head of hair I had in contrast to the long straight hair of my closest friends.
Words Can Make Children Feel Inferior
Over time, I have made peace with my appearance, and spoken and written about my experience to educate others. As a child, I spent hours in the bathroom crying about being different and trying to manipulate my fuzzy curls into tiny barrettes to fit in with my friends. There was a time when I felt so bad about my appearance that I asked a hairdresser to give me blonde hair and blue eyes like Christy Brinkley, the famous super model I wanted to resemble. No child should feel bad or inferior for being different.
Justice reform starts with our words and the lessons we teach at home. I was extremely insecure about my physical appearance for the first two decades of my life because I let others’ words influence my self perception. Parents, it is not enough to abstain from using labels or even to promote acceptance. You must go further to teach your children that all people are valuable and to appreciate and celebrate diversity. This is the dialogue that needs to change to cultivate the justice we so desperately need for a world of truly equal treatment and opportunity for all. Yes, policy reform is also necessary, but we can each accelerate progress with our words.
I cannot help but wonder how different my childhood experience could have been had I not been adopted by a family who raised me to believe in myself and prioritized my education. I was psychologically impacted by the words of others reacting to my different physical appearance. Millions of people are facing severe forms of discrimination, including verbal abuse with labels and derogatory slurs, physical abuse of power and less opportunities to succeed due to deep rooted bias. None of this is acceptable.
How Will Your Words Promote Justice?
If you agree that justice reform begins with our words, be part of the solution and start with your words. Those of you who are parents can also start with your children and we can all proactively celebrate diversity in all of its beautiful forms. It may be too late to undo the damage and injustice of the past, but we can each do our part to contribute to a more just nation tomorrow and for the generations to come.
What do you think? How can you use your words to promote justice? Which words can we all use to incite love and unity? How do you celebrate diversity? What lessons will you teach your children to be part of the solution? I look forward to reading your thoughts and ideas in the comments.
Thank you for sharing the journey.
Nicole