Lost and Found: How Being Loved Helped Shape This Adoptee’s Identity

Love is a gift, not a given. As an adoptee, I have learned this lesson, firsthand. Love is a choice, whether people are connected by blood or not. Yes, mothers are suppose to love their children, but this is not always the case. It wasn’t for me. My mother abandoned me as an infant and her absence in my life left an empty space in my heart and my identity. I believe this early loss that I have lived with my entire life has given me an even deeper appreciation of the power of love and relationships. My adoptive father’s choice to love me as his own, was a choice that changed the trajectory of my life forever. This blog post includes personal reflections relating to adoptee identity formation. I share experiences with my adoptive family, a very special college mentor who took a sincere interest in me, and the ultimate lesson I had to learn on my own.

My Adoptee Drive

I have always felt a deep sense of discontentment and wondered why I felt this way. Not discontentment in the sense of unhappiness, more like an overwhelming motivation to experience everything life has to offer and achieve my potential. I have always felt like I was given such a unique life because I was meant to do something with it. Over time, I have come to the realization that I am happiest when I am tackling a new challenge or have an exciting experience to look forward to, such as a major presentation or travel plans. Am I naturally adventurous and driven? Definitely. Am I still trying to fill the space left by my mother? Probably. As I reflect on this feeling and the ways it has influenced my decisions, life path and accomplishments, I have come to a key conclusion: Knowing others believe in me has given me the confidence to tap into my “adoptee drive,” an immense motivation rooted in my identity challenges as an adoptee.

Feeling Like a Blank Slate

Growing up without really knowing who you are or where you came from leaves a space inside that needs to be filled. Feeling somewhat lost and incomplete is a natural part of being adopted. Fortunately, I was blessed with a supportive adoptive father who taught me that I could do anything I set out to do…and I believed him! Viewing yourself as a blank slate can have its advantages. Despite being a painfully shy child, my head was filled with big dreams and a deep-rooted desire to make the most of the life I was given. I can’t say I know what life would have been like if my mother didn’t abandon me, but I am fairly certain that I would not be where I am today.

Of course, I had self doubt, fear and feelings of inferiority to overcome, but thanks to the unconditional love and sound guidance of my adoptive family, I always had a vision of success for myself and have been fortunate to have had many champions along the way.

Higher Self Learning

An example of my adoptee drive in action is rooted in my adoptive family’s advice about the importance of education and doing well in school. If I had a dollar for each time I was told “go to school and get good grades, then you will get a good job and have a good life.” I would be independently wealthy. While this is a seemingly cliché and simple formula, it gave me a solid foundation for growth and I am thankful that I trusted and followed the advice I was given.

This formula also led me to discover my strengths, my passions and my future career in marketing. I made the choice to attend Notre Dame College of Ohio, when it was an all women’s college. I began my higher education journey as a blank slate, lost with no enthusiasm about any particular field of study or career. Feeling pressure to be on a path to somewhere, I became a dietetics major. I was not passionate about nutrition, but it seemed like a perfectly practical career at the time. I became even more lost when I encountered an advanced chemistry class which was required for my major. To say it was challenging is an understatement. Not only did I not get it, I hated it! The thought of failure filled me with anxiety, so I dropped the class and my major, resulting in the dreaded “undeclared” major. Lost again.

My First Mentor

Thanks to a brilliant, kind woman who inspired my love for the art of communication, I found my career path. Her name is Frances Forde Plude. She started as my Mass Communications course instructor and became my advisor and mentor. Upon meeting her, I was blown away by her impressive Harvard PhD and warm, caring ways. We had a special connection from the beginning and she sensed my need for direction. I told her about my dead end with dietetics and she gave me some homework. She told me to forget about having a major and to identify the classes that were most interesting to me in the course catalog. That’s exactly what I did.

When I graduated four years later, I had found my niche in communications, gained practical work experience as the college’s public relations intern, earned a nomination to serve as editor-in-chief of the college literary magazine and won graphic design and photography awards in the college art show. College was a truly transformative experience for me. One that provided a much needed understanding of who I was, the professional skills I possessed and who I had the potential to become. I thank God for Dr. Plude’s care and life-changing guidance.

Learning to Love Myself

My father’s love and encouragement helped me believe in myself. Dr. Plude’s care and guidance led me to discovering my career path. Still, something was missing. Building a healthy relationship with a partner to share my life with remained a challenge. Later in life, after multiple failed relationships, including a divorce, I realized the formula for success could not be found in advice from others. The formula I was following did not include “find a man, fall in love and live happily ever after.” I eventually got it right and am now happily engaged to an amazing man who respects me and loves me in ways that bring out my best. It took intense self reflection on why my relationships had not worked out. I had to learn the ultimate lesson – self love – on my own. Getting it right took learning how to love myself and choosing to believe I was worthy of being loved the way I deserved. This is a story for another post, and perhaps an entire book.

The Journey Continues

Throughout my life I have sought to fill the empty space with new people, accomplishments and experiences that have pushed me way beyond my comfort zone and helped shape who I am today. I am a work in progress, like we all are, but I have leveraged my discontent feelings to create positive outcomes on my journey of self discovery. I continuously pursue the best version of myself and surprise myself by what I am capable of. Some say adoptees can struggle with perfectionism due to the fear of failure. I say I have high quality standards and never fail as long as I am learning and growing. Being adopted or touched by adoption is not a disadvantage. We all have a purpose and the potential to achieve our dreams. Yes, it takes work, but the rewards are worth it – You are worth it!

I want to hear from you. Have you experienced that blank slate feeling? Do you think there is a connection between being adopted and your sense of motivation? What experiences have strengthened your sense of self and formed your identity? Please comment to share your feelings and experiences.

Thank you for sharing the journey.

Nicole