Change is inevitable for all of us. Ironically, it is the only certainty in life other than death. Change can come from the choices we make or from external forces beyond our control. Adoptees who are adopted as infants begin our lives with a very unnatural life-altering change when we are separated from our birth parents and given to a new family. This change is often followed by additional changes, such as a new name and a second birth certificate.
As a child who was told I was adopted at a very young age, I recall being deeply confused by having two birth certificates. I was in elementary school when I saw a large blank space under “Mother-Maiden Name” on the birth certificate that included my adoptive father’s name. I was shocked! My young mind knew people were only born once and that babies came from their mom’s bodies. What my young mind didn’t comprehend was how something as important as a child’s mother could be erased from this primary form of identification. I knew she gave up her rights to me, but how did that decision result in her identity being erased? My birth happened. I may not know my birth story, but I do know a woman who decided not to raise me did in fact give birth to me, yet someone was able to rewrite and fundamentally change my history. This second birth certificate was signed 10-27-75. I was born 10-11-75. What happened to me during those 16 days? This is one of my many unanswered questions.
Despite my questions, I am blessed to have been raised within an amazing family who made me a priority. I emphasize this point because regardless of how loving an adoptee’s family is, knowing such significant decisions were made about our lives without our input has lasting impact. I believe this initial experience with what I refer to as “unchosen change” teaches us that change is not fair and life is best when we are in control. I also think never fully understanding why the first set of changes happened to us can hinder our ability to process and cope with future life changes.
As I reflect on my experiences with change, I wonder how being adopted impacts the ways fellow adoptees interpret and react to change. My relationship with change is complex. I relish and enjoy chosen change and I am not risk-averse by any means. While I find peace in routines, I also become bored easily and love to try new things, from altering my appearance to indulging in new foods and exploring new travel destinations. When the change feels like an adventure I am able to embrace it. It is the “unchosen change” that continues to challenge me.
My earliest memory of “unchosen change” was a result of my grandmother’s battle with ALS (aka Lou Gehrig’s Disease). She was more than a grandmother to me, she was my buddy. We talked about life and watched channel 5 soap operas and classic Doris Day movies together. She suffered from severe arthritis and I witnessed her mobility decline from her use of a cane, to a walker, to a wheelchair. Still, she was always there by my side when I needed her. One evening, my grandma was taken away by an ambulance and rushed to the hospital because she was unable to breathe regularly. I clearly remember her face as the men took her away. It was blue! I did not understand why her skin was blue, but I knew she was in danger. A few days later, I was relieved to learn that she was coming home from the hospital soon. While she was away, I made her a get well soon card and drew a picture of her and I with her blue face, because that is how I saw her last.
My grandma lived bedridden for years after coming home from the hospital, attached to a machine to help her breathe. She could no longer speak or move on her own. Seeing her in this condition made me sad and I missed our chats about life and the shows we would watch together. Yet, I was happy that she returned from the hospital and I could spend more time with her. The changes in my grandmother’s health taught me compassion and the importance of enjoying the time we have with our loved ones at a very early age. I also gained nurturing skills through the experience of helping care for her. I participated in feeding her, combing her silky gray hair and rubbing her feet with lotion. I also kept her entertained by playing records and singing along by her bedside. My sweet grandma lost her battle with ALS when I was in the third grade. I was deeply saddened by her loss, but I was thankful for the gift of time I was able to spend with her during her final months.
Since the loss of my grandma, I have experienced many life changes worth celebrating, such as graduating from elementary school, high school, college and graduate school, becoming a mother, earning new career opportunities, promotions and awards, falling in love, and most recently, starting this blog. All of these changes brought continued blessings to my life. I have also experienced more challenging changes such as divorce, my only child moving out of state, and unexpected endings to situations I thought were meant to be. Through it all, I have learned valuable life lessons that ring true every time and help me remain positive about what will come next. I am sharing these lessons with you with the hope that they will help you navigate life’s expected and unexpected changes with greater faith, peace and grace. Please let me know your thoughts in the comments.
Life Lesson 1: Change Is Often Opportunity in Disguise
When unexpected changes strike, it never feels fair at the time because we didn’t have a choice. While this may be true, most changes, regardless of the reasons or implications, are ultimately the beginning of a new opportunity. The opportunity mindset can be beneficial in navigating changes that seem 100% negative on the surface. It enables your mind to be open to new alternatives and paths that may not have been apparent prior to the change.
Life Lesson 2: Choosing Change Stimulates Personal Growth
I highly recommend making decisive changes that take you out of your comfort zone. Unexpected change can seem unfair. On the other hand, choosing to change on your own terms can be extremely satisfying and valuable on your journey of self discovery. I have done this many times throughout my life and each time I have gained valuable insights about myself and experienced significant personal growth. I now find immense satisfaction in the process of taking on a challenge as a novice and learning new skills to become effective in accomplishing a new goal. These changes are almost as scary as “unchosen change” but can also be extremely rewarding! I am looking forward to sharing these experiences with you in a future blog post. Author note: The linked blog post includes examples of how I pursued new opportunities to accelerate my personal growth.
Life Lesson 3: Even Loss Can Lead to Positive Change
Loss is the most significant adoption-related challenge I have faced, yet it has also served as my teacher. During my first experience with death in the third grade, I sobbed through my grandma’s entire funeral. The experience left me wondering why our time was cut so short, but the many memories of our time together helped me achieve peace. After her passing, I developed an even deeper relationship with my only remaining grandparent. My grandfather and I became the best of friends in the years that followed my grandma’s death. Grandpa drove me to school and picked me up nearly every day of my life until I was able to drive myself. We played cards and we spent our summers together going on adventures to the park and the pet store. I cherished the years I had with my grandpa and was fortunate to have him in my life until junior year of college. I believe our special relationship helped fill the hole in his broken heart, too.
The death of my grandpa resulted in the deepest, longest lasting sadness I had ever experienced. It also taught me the importance of grandparent relationships. Just four years later, when I had my son in the year 2000, I made sure he spent quality time with his grandparents throughout his childhood because I wanted him to experience the joy that I felt from the special relationships I had with my grandparents. Today, my son is a young adult and has a healthy dose of respect and admiration for his grandparents as well as many happy memories of the time he spent with them during his youth. In fact, he followed in his grandfather’s (my adoptive father’s) footsteps and is dedicated to serving our country.
Life Lesson 4: Embrace The Unknown As An Adventure
One of the reasons change can be scary is the unknown future it creates. For adoptees who already have many unanswered questions about our lives, these additional gaps can feel unbearable. When we experience a break up, we wonder if we can or will ever love and be loved again. When our children achieve milestones associated with growing up, we wonder if they will still need us and include us in their lives. When we change jobs, we wonder if we will be as successful as we were previously. Nearly every change creates unknowns that can throw us off balance, but the way we view those unknowns can make a difference. I have discovered that viewing the unknowns as an adventure (I adored choose your own adventure books as a kid!) can reduce the fear about what is next and keep me focused on making what I want to happen next a reality.
I covered a lot of ground in this post and am eager to hear from you! Can you relate to my reflections? How do you react to “unchosen change?” Do you think being adopted impacts one’s reactions to change? Please share your experiences and lessons learned in the comments, below.
Thanks for sharing the journey!
Nicole
Nicole, this is also the first time that I’ve ever said anything about my birth certificate. I imagine that’s because I’ve never known anyone else like me. My adoptive sister, the one that was adopted 6 years before me, met her birth mother many years ago, and it did not end well. She found out that she had 2 half brothers and her birth mom didn’t want them to know anything about her. Then she cut off communication with her, so she felt rejected all over again. Maybe subconsciously that is a reason that I have never sought out my birth mother…not sure.
I honestly don’t even know what “normal” is anymore. I guess it’s the best description I can come up with with regards to moving forward each day, and enjoying the blessings I have, that I do not take for granted. Life is short and precious 😊.
I hope you have a nice weekend as well!
It is amazing how long we can live with ideas and reflections in our minds and bodies without communicating them! That is a sad outcome for sure. I think you hit on something very key, here. The fear of rejection, especially for a second time, can definitely hold us back. I relate strongly to this. I am also afraid of discovering something disturbing that is impossible to unlearn. I think being able to enjoy our blessings is a blessing! Many touched by adoption are not able to reach this point and my heart goes out to them as well.
Hi Nicole,
I feel the same way you do about your birth certificate. I was adopted at 4 days old directly from the hospital, and as far as I know, I have only ever had one birth certificate, but it lists my adoptive parents names on it and that has always irritated me. If it is supposed to be a record of my birth, how can you list names of people on it that were not there, nor had anything to do with my birth?
Like you, I prefer “chosen change”. I don’t know if that is related to being adopted or not for me, but I definitely feel better when I know what to expect. Quick unplanned changes sometimes make me feel a bit panicked, and I have to really talk myself out of that feeling. Loss is the unchosen change that keeps me up at night. I worry about something happening to my children and my grandson. My sister passed last June and that was truly the worst day of my life, and I pray that it remains to be the worst day of my life. I do not believe in the word “closure” and I cringe every time I hear it. I think you just have to come to terms with a “new normal”.
I’m good with change if I know the “why”. But as you mentioned, when someone makes choices for us that leave unanswered questions and gaps in our rational thinking, it’s frustrating to say the least.
Thank you for your post.
Vicki
Vicki, this post was the first time I communicated my feelings about my birth certificate and I appreciate you sharing that you feel the same way. I imagine many adoptees feel the way we do. A law was passed to enable adoptees to access our original birth certificates. You likely have an original out there, but you have to request it. Closure is a very odd term that I am not a fan of either. The feelings never go away, so in my mind nothing is really closed. “New normal” is a much better phrase, but I also don’t find much value in the concept of “normal” in general, for many reasons. I also worry about losing my loved ones, even when there is no specific threat. I think that is natural, given the deep loss we suffered so early in our lives. All we can do is enjoy them as much as we can as long as we can. Your comments are always so thoughtful. I appreciate hearing from you. Have a nice weekend!