We adoptees often grow up with confusing feelings and experiences that can hold us back from showing up in the world as our best selves. While every child is a work in progress, growing up detached from your natural parents can weigh heavily on an adopted child’s mind and heart. Adoptive parents, I want you to know that no matter how much love and support you provide, this is a reality. Please do not take it personally. My adoptive father is the most amazing man who ever lived, in my eyes, and I still had unresolved feelings from knowing my mother abandoned me.
Over a decade ago, I began learning about the common challenges adoptees face throughout the lifelong journey of adoption, from experts and my own research. The insights from this discovery process helped me realize how my feelings were rooted in my adoption experience. Connecting these dots made a profound positive impact in my life because understanding the source of your feelings is the key to managing them in healthy ways. I am now able to course correct my negative self talk, thought patterns and behaviors in ways that are positive and conducive to my success and you can do this too!
Throughout my life, I have been comforted and uplifted by sharing feelings and experiences that I thought were unique to me with other adoptees, only to learn that I was not alone. Other adoptees had similar feelings and experiences to mine. Since launching this blog last week, I have been blessed by new connections with fellow adoptees who have exchanged parallel life experiences via social media. These special connections reinforce my belief that the best way to get out of our own way is to connect with each other! There is significant healing power in these connections and every adoptee can benefit from sharing with others adoptees. My goal is to promote more dialogue and openness around sharing of feelings, experiences and the truth that we share as adoptees. This is especially important because many of us did not grow up with an outlet for conversation about our feelings regarding our adoptions and have been left to process them on our own. No one should have to face loss, abandonment and identity issues alone and not every caring ear gets it.
Below are 10 “HAVE YOU EVER?” REFLECTION QUESTIONS for adoptees, based on feelings and experiences rooted in my adoption journey. Carve out some quiet time in your schedule for personal reflection and think about times in your life when you experienced a similar situation. While this exercise may bubble up sad or painful feelings, it will also help you get in touch with your inner adoptee, which is necessary to overcome the feelings holding you back. Also know that if you have experienced these phenomenon in your life, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! These are natural reactions to a very unnatural experience. Ready to reflect?
- Have you ever felt lonely or disconnected, despite being surrounded by family?
- Have you ever avoided taking a risk to achieve something you wanted because you doubted yourself or were fearful of rejection?
- Have you ever struggled to declare your favorite things or life goals and dreams, when asked during a conversation with someone trying to get to know you?
- Have you ever hesitated to order your meal first because you wanted to know what others were having?
- Have you ever felt hesitant to trust people who have not given you a reason to mistrust them?
- Have you ever experienced success and felt like an imposter?
- Have you ever felt challenged to establish and maintain a healthy love relationship?
- Have you ever let someone mistreat you or disrespect you because you failed to set personal boundaries?
- Have you ever been brought to tears by the lyrics in a song or a scene in a movie related to loss?
- Have you ever panicked about a loved one while they were away from you longer than normal…or felt highly anxious because you could not reach them?
While we each have a unique story and life circumstances, we can find comfort and connectivity in the COMMON GROUND we share! I have experienced all of the above at various times in my life and have learned that each of these experiences is rooted in the core issues for adoptees of loss, abandonment and self-identity formation. The good news is these feelings can be managed positively once you are aware of their source.
Please comment to let me know which of the above experiences resonate with you most and suggest experiences to add to the list, based on your journey. Based on your responses, in a future post I will dig deeper to address the most common experiences and share examples from my life as well as steps for managing the associated feelings in a healthy ways.
I look forward to your thoughts.
Thanks for sharing the journey!
Nicole
Hi Nicole,
I can definitely relate to many of the experiences you’ve outlined above. Number 10 especially. When my kids won’t answer their phone or text me back quickly, I feel a knot in my stomach. For the most part, I was relatively content growing up adopted, it was never a secret. Until the last few years the only thing that bothered me was not knowing my medical history. The only thing that came with me is the bracelet that was on my ankle at the hospital. I tried contacting the hospital many years ago and gave them the information on my bracelet, but they were not able to find any records so I let it go. My adoption was sealed and the only way to get it open is with a court order, but I’ve never really had the desire to do that. I had come to terms long ago that it was my birth mothers right to do what she felt she needed to do and that was that. Being that I had never been told anything about her, I assumed she was probably a teenager with little means and giving me up was her best option, but now after all of these years my adoptive mother has recently told me that she was 26 when I was born, very attractive and “well-to-do”. So I’m like “what??”. My first thought was why have I never been told anything, and why are you telling me this now? Then my next thought was of my theory of why I was given up at birth was blown, she wasn’t a teenager with little means. As I mentioned before, my adoptive parents did the bare minimum for me growing up, but I did not realize to what extent until I raised my own daughter. I missed out on a lot and I know that I’ve over compensated for it with my kids. They have probably been a little spoiled but they are both married, productive, responsible members of society, so I know I did right by them. I’ve tried not to be bitter about my childhood, because I have to believe that I would have been worse off having a mother that did not want a child. I also rationalize with myself by saying that if I had not been placed where I was, I would not have the people in my life that I have now, and I have a little grandson who is the best. He is the light of my life. So if my children and grandson are the silver lining for the path I was given, I’m fine with it. I am grateful for all of the blessings I’ve received amidst some conflicting and confusing circumstances.
I enjoy your posts.
Vicki
Wow, Vicki! I am blown away by how in touch you are with your feelings as well as your ability to acknowledge the pain of the past, while focusing on the blessings of the present. You inspire me and I appreciate your comments so much. Number 10 has been an ongoing challenge for me in both family and significant other relationships. I will definitely write more about that in a future post. Thank you so much!