The Truth About Hair, Self Care & Adoption

When I served on the Board of Directors for Adoption Network Cleveland, a community organization that helps everyone touched by adoption, I had the opportunity to give a speech about my experiences growing up as an adoptee with “high maintenance” hair at an event for adoptive parents of children with diverse backgrounds.

I created this blog to give adoptees a place to share the journey of self discovery, as we all strive to be our best selves. Looking your best has a direct impact on self confidence and feeling your best, which are common challenges for adoptees. For me, even the love from my amazing adoptive father was not enough to make me feel comfortable in my own skin. I felt like an alien because I didn’t resemble anyone in my family and I was made fun of by classmates for being different at school.

Through the years, I learned to make the best of my appearance and have become a fashionista who adores beauty treatments, makeup and making every day a great hair day. I am that friend that every woman wants to take shopping and I love helping others feel and look their best. I have an eye and a passion for design, color and coordinating a killer outfit with the perfect accessories. This gift has helped in my personal and professional life.

As I reflect on the childhood experiences in the speech below, I realize the important role proper self care has played in helping me feel my best and be my best. Below is the speech. I hope you find it entertaining and insightful, as you reflect on your childhood experiences.

Beautiful hair and skin are hallmarks of external beauty and naturally, we all want to look our best. The program planned for us today is fabulous and will teach us how.

But today is really a celebration of internal beauty, it is about building self-esteem, living in good health,  practicing good hygiene, and learning new ways to do the most important job we have…caring for our children.

Children want to be groomed and of course we want to do what’s best for our children. We want them to look nice and feel good about themselves. But the reality is Hair and skin care can be challenging and keeping children well groomed isn’t exactly easy. Caring for children with a different hair texture than you are used to working with can be down right difficult on you and your child.

Trust me, I speak from the voice of experience when I say it can be difficult for the child.

You see I was adopted by a single Caucasian man. I love, respect and admire my daddy, in fact I brag about him every chance I get. But I have to say…he didn’t know a thing about taking care of my hair when I was a little, as a result I spent my toddler years sporting a short frizzy do,  looking like a boy AND often being mistaken for one. His strategy to care for my hair was to keep it very short so he didn’t have to.  I will never forget the afternoon he took me to the ice cream shop and the man behind the counter gave me this little cowboy figure and said, here you go son.

I think I was taken to get my ears pierced the next day.

Of course I can joke about this today, but it was not funny to me as a child. Children in general are vunerable and adopted children can be more vulnerable to self-esteem problems. The last thing a child needs is to feel self conscious because of his or her appearance.

My short frizzy hairdo continued to be a source of shame as I grew older.  In elementary school my classmates would tease, “I’ve never seen a white girl with an afro.” As a result,  I  resented being different. I frequently tried to gather my hair in pigtails with little plastic colored barettes like my friends wore in their long, straight, silky strands. It never worked because my hair was too short.

Fortunately God sent me an angel in the form of my Dad’s sister. Her name is Aunt Fran. Aunt Fran is my mother figure and I am so grateful that she recognized the frustration I experienced with my hair as an adolescent and came to the rescue.

Of course my frizzy, knotty hair was a challenge for her as well. I still remember the after bath sessions when she would drench my curls with the bottle of “No More Tears” detangling spray and battle my stubborn knots with a wide toothed comb. She did her best not to tug too hard but my curls had a mind of their own. She would periodically ask me if she was hurting me and I always said no, even though it was usually very uncomfortable. Till this day I think “No More Tears” was false advertising.

Another hair memory I have, occured when I was taking a bath after Aunt Fran had just finished spending at least 40 minutes going through the process of washing, conditioning and detangling my hair. The plant from the window ledge above the bathtub fell directly on my head. Black soil was everywhere! I was crying and my Aunt came running when she heard the noise. Once she saw me sitting in the tub with the plant (pot and all) on my head we both started laughing uncontrollably. I wasn’t crying because I was hurt…I was crying because I thought she would be mad that she had to wash my hair all over again. We laughed so much that she didn’t even mind.

Despite the numerous challenges, my hair was involved in many of my best memories with Aunt Fran. The time she spent helping me with my hair actually turned in to our female bonding time and was quite special to me. It was one of the ways she showed me how much she cared.

Of course she moved from an angel to a saint when she bought me my first relaxer and started booking weekly Saturday morning appointments for both of us (All these years later, getting my hair done every Saturday is an important part of my approach to self care). I am so appreciative of what Aunt Fran has done to help me live peacefully with my hair. In some ways learning to love my hair, helped me learn to love myself. I will always have those special memories of my childhood.

What role has your appearance and self care played in shaping who you are today?